Dear Daddy.

A Letter To My Dad.

With Father’s Day being last Sunday I thought it might be appropriate to write a letter to my dad, who hasn’t spoken to me in almost a year, no explanation for this, I have just been cut off and cut out. Despite me sending messages I have heard nothing, that is how it has been left. The term dad can mean such a variety of things; The Dads to children that are not their own. The Dads to be. The Dads that were meant to be and lost their child. The Dads that are no longer with us. The Dads that do not see their children. The Single Dads raising their child alone. I seem to have dreams all the time about my dad in the last few months I don’t know if it’s because I miss him or simply the lack of his presence in my life. When I was younger due to the fact, he worked away I never saw him, maybe once a year if I was lucky. Regardless we would do our best to stay in touch either writing letters or my mum would take me to the internet café so that I could send him an email. I spoke to a friend last week who has recently lost her father and I suggested she write him a letter and so that is why this letter seems a fitting idea, so here goes.

Dear Daddy, Where are you? What are you doing? Why aren’t you talking to me? It makes me sad that you can so easily cut me out of your life like this, do you miss me? Do you think about me too? Throughout my life I have always looked up to you for so many reasons. Do you remember in Grease the movie, Frenchie turns to sandy and says, “The only man a girl can depend on is her daddy”? That’s exactly how I felt, I relied on you for your wise words, for you to encourage me and for your tough love, for you to teach me how to be wise of the world and to protect me. I am unsure of your relationship with your father as it is something you have never talked to me about but was tough love what you were taught too? Is that why you do not show me your emotions? I know you worked away all the time when I was younger and I missed you so much, sometimes that makes me feel like I still do not know you. Upon your return if you had time you would whisk me away on luxury holidays, The Maldives, St. Lucia, Skiing in various places, Disney Land but really we could of gone anywhere, we could of sat in the house, you could of just taken me to the park. You may think I sound ungrateful but im not, I am grateful to be fortunate enough to have a father that could take me places. Despite those luxuries I also remember the ache in my little heart when you would tell me you were coming to visit me. I would sit at the end of mums drive all day waiting, moving only grudgingly to pee, I would wait for the sound of a motorbike coming along the road, sometimes I would hear the passing of one thinking it was you, It would turn dark and you never showed. Then Maybe the next day or the day after you would phone and say something came up, I did not understand that then, I just felt let down. I do remember that when I was lucky enough to see you I didn’t want to let you go, I would cry my eyes out having to say goodbye I didn’t know where you were going, when I would see or hear from you again. Even as an adult the last time I saw you I did the same. I know your line of work is dangerous and so I have always prepared myself for a time where that may be the last time I see you, I know you shouldn’t imagine things that have not happened but I used to think of how I would feel getting a knock on the door from someone telling me you were dead.. sometimes I would break down and others I would stand tall with a brave face and simply accept it. I know you would want me to stay strong and to not cry. I always wanted to impress you, I thought your opinion was the most important, I needed your approval for my life. I never wanted to let you down or think I was a screw up I used to tell you about my boyfriends I wanted you to approve them too, it didn’t matter if I liked them, did you? That is what I needed to know. I respect you so much you have came from the gutter doing crappy jobs and living off of tins of beans because that’s all you could afford, working your way through life gaining others respect, being promoted and now you have a good career, property, can afford amazing holidays and everything else that goes with a wealthy lifestyle. But I need to ask, what was your goal in life? Have you fulfilled it? are you where you want to be? Are you happy? I do not want to say you were the pushy parent but that is sometimes how I felt. I always had to be the best I say it was for myself but now I feel I had to be the best for you. Its almost like by being the best is the only way I would make you proud, to talk about me in a boastful manner. I know as children and even adult life we get this sudden rush of joy when someone says ‘ we are proud of you’ mostly from our parents and sitting thinking about it I can’t recall a single time you have said you have been proud of me, part of me wants to ask, Are you proud of me? But the other half does not, I am even questioning right now if I should even care anymore, why should I care about an opinion of a man that cannot reply to my messages… I sit here and wonder if we will ever talk again? What if we don’t there are going to be so many aspects of my life you miss out on, being a grandfather to my children, giving me away at my wedding or first dance, what if I move abroad you won’t even know and not to mention just the general things that I would want to share with you. I remember another time you cut me out of your life. When I had my eating disorder, you shipped me back off to my mums. In fact, you did not even see me off your wife had to drive me back to Scotland. I do not know if you were hurt or angry or even ashamed by me, that I was your daughter and I had a weakness. I only mention this as I found an old memory stick that had the message, I sent to you on the day that I left London. Here it is

“Dad I know you’re not talking to me right now and I don’t completely understand why but this is what I want to say. – I’ve left London but it’s not because of you, it’s due to the environment and I just wasn’t happy , we’ve had our ups and downs like every parent teenager relationship but if I’m honest we’ve mainly had ups . you belly dancing on oxford street , ahoy there sailor , ace café , mocha frap o clock , little fiat , battle of Hastings bike run the list goes on , I ‘am going to miss our little outbursts which is rather important . When you told me you didn’t care about me and couldn’t handle me anymore that honestly crushed me to hear you say that after a while it went over my head and I got really frustrated and thought that was really harsh and out of order and I just forgot about everything because I could no longer feel the point in trying and my heart just wasn’t in it . After a while it started to sink in and make me question the future will we speak again? is it the relationship with my dad? (I hope not) I’m going to miss you so much and If we don’t speak again then we’re both at loss Dad I love you with all my heart , I know I’m a total utter mess right now but it was wrong of you to say if I can’t get better then your sending me back to my mums because to me it’s the sound of fear and you giving up on me . These things take time , but at the same time I’m acting invincible without a care in the world nothing can knock me down and kind of like a concrete post that no one can demolish because I take after you strong and determined and I’ am kicking this illness . Dad I’m not prepared to lose you because you’re a huge part of my life and I need you to be fairly honest , now the balls in your court , you have a mind of your own obviously and you need to do the right thing and you need to grow up a bit and face facts its London not you , hope we speak at some point , thanks for everything you’ve done for me , and I shall hopefully speak to you soon , I shall miss you lots and no matter what happens daddy I will always love you . “ After that it took you a whole year to contact me, you left me for a whole year again with nothing, no explanation. I remember the night you phoned me I was out with friends and you did not even mention it you just rang up like nothing had changed. Who does that? From there when I did see you in front of family you would make jokes telling the family that I tried to kill myself with an eating disorder as if you were trying to belittle me despite only being young I knew what you were doing and you made me feel the size of a pea and for that I would still like an apology, I wonder if pigs will fly first? I am starting to sound angry and yet that is not my intention. I just needed to put these words down, I needed to let them out. To tell you how I really feel, you hurt me bad, and you still are hurting me even without being present. I cannot imagine a life without you and yet it seems I already am living this way. Some may say I should be grateful to at least have a dad, but do i? should I be grateful for someone that encourages communication, yet lacks it themselves? You helped create me and for that I am grateful. You will always be my dad and hold the title regardless of if you are in my life or not. I want to talk to you so badly, but I have reached out and you have ignored this. The ball is in your court so to speak, we may talk again, or we may not, but that is on you now. You have already missed out on so much of my life, and it would be your loss to miss out on more now. My nose went tingly, and I lost some tears writing this, I do miss you daddy.

I will always love you.

Your Daughter Bee.

Sometimes we must get the messy thoughts down on paper to elevate some pressure on somewhat of heavy heart, whatever your situation may be. Let them out you can write to yourself to be burned or to whomever you wish to address with your letter.

Set your thoughts free.

Thanks for Reading Bee 😊