Do You Cut The Mustard?

Who Should We Be Seeking Approval From?

From such a young age I have always sought approval, mainly from my dad he was not around much as he was always away working with his job, so I saw him maybe once or twice a year. My mum would take me to an internet cafe every weekend so I could speak in toddler language and she would make some sort of a translation into an email to send. I've always respected him I just look at his life and think he’s done so well for himself he hadn't always I remember him telling me stories of him eating tinned goods for most meals as that was all he could afford but he put his head down got on with it and went on to really make something of himself because of that I really do respect and value his opinion.

I would ask for his approval on everything when was about 14 I went to live with my dad as he had somewhat settled in London. I begged him for weeks to come to my kickboxing class to watch me I wanted him to see how well I was doing I wanted him to approve, but I never got it, all I got was unconstructive feedback my technique was crap. I was 14 I did not want to be Lucia Rijker I just did it for fun, I never expected that I would carry on seeking approval from a man into my adult life...

I dated this guy once he was good looking, funny, dressed well etc. I honestly thought the sun shone out of his butt. Then I found out was speaking to other girls 'ah well he’s learnt his lesson' I thought to myself after I confronted him about it, as he cuddled me after apologising, Then I found out he was sleeping with another girl and I still didn't care again he apologised and told me it had stopped and again I said to myself ' ah he’s learnt his lesson it won’t happen again'.

Months later there was a few dirty looks exchanged between me and this girl in a pub and the next day I messaged her asking her what her problem was to which she replied in short to say that said guy 'had just broke up with her a day ago, they'd been going out for ages and sleeping together and he is always nasty about me when he talks to her' . So, me and the girl agreed he was playing us both and that was that, We decided to both cut our losses and stay way clear of this guy that screwed us both over... Anyway, I could not help myself a few weeks later me and the said guy got talking again, I received another apology and I started dating him again, I know what you are thinking, idiot... To then only find out no less than two weeks after rekindling the flame, him and this other girl were also back dating. No matter how badly he treated me or how badly he messed up I just so desperately wanted to be with him, for him to choose me, I wanted him to say I was good, I wanted him to approve me!

Finally after finding out I was in that love triangle again I called it quits, this other guy had asked me out on dates and I always turned him down due to being so besotted with the other guy that constantly made me sad I thought you know what heck I’m going on a date why shouldn't I, this other guy thinks great, that's when a small part of me realised I didn't need approval I’m not saying that's when I stopped seeking it, but it was the start of my journey to self-approval...

Its mad how the whole world revolves around the approval of others, whether it is from our partners, our parents or our friends. we want someone to tell us that we are doing well at life, with the new job, or that the try you scored in your rugby match was good or that your new hair doo looks great. for us to reply with something like ' oh do you think so?', 'do you really like it?'. Why does it matter, you have to ask yourself 'do I like it' and if that answers is yes then winner winner chicken dinner that's the only opinion that matters, that's the approval you want, your own.

At the start of the year there were so many comments about Meghan Markle. Personally I felt sorry for her everyone had something to say mostly that they don't approve of her, these two people found each other and fell in love and because of the fact they are in the public eye people think its suddenly acceptable to shout from their windows that she doesn't cut the mustard... sorry but she didn't marry your grandson, these comments from random people should just be irrelevant. the poor girl probably just wanted to slip on an LBD, some red lippy, let her hair down and wear something higher than a bloody kitten heel. She should have been able to do so, I just never can get my head around it. I live in a small town in the Scottish Borders, a place where everyone knows each other or is related. It really bugs me that some people here are so switched off to the world and how its transitioning. The world is now a place where people come out as being gay, transgender or identify as whatever, they talk about their feelings and voice their opinions and I think that is completely healthy. Yet in this small community there are still so many people that are embarrassed by this, they simply do not approve. They are scared to feel or to show emotion due to the fact other people might judge them and not approve that they are depressed, self-harming or whatever it may be. I think sometimes this is the reason suicide is so high. People are ashamed of taking a different path. I mean seriously ask yourself if you were going through some tough stuff would you seek help im not saying take to Facebook and tell the world your story, but would you go to a professional? Or would you be too shy? Would you feel like it wasn’t normal and that you should hold on to your darkest thoughts just in case you thought they were thinking ‘look at this wacko being all sad and feeling down all the time’. It is just not right. You should not be seeking approval from people when it comes to your feelings and emotional state or even about your fashion choices. Nobody gets to tell you what you should or should not feel, or what is normal and what is not. We all go through different processes and situations. Some humans suppress their emotional so much they genuinely do not know what it is like to feel certain things. Take the Grinch for example, he is not approved by his peer group at school because of his appearance and they take the mickey out of him for having feelings for Martha May Whovier. So, what does he do? He locks himself away in the hills and shuts himself off from the world hating everyone, all because he did not get approval. All it took was one little girl to not be afraid of his appearance for him to make a change and accept himself, he started to feel comfortable in his own skin, yeah he didn’t look or dress the same as everyone else but why does that matter, it doesn’t. Okay so it did not happen overnight, but he opened up and re-joined the towns people. I know it is a kid’s movie but what if that is all it took, just one person to understand you. There are almost definitely underlying childhood issues for everyone and a lot of them stem from not being approved, imagine a world where you were approved at every stage of your life, Would you still be the same person as you are today? Would you be more confident or arrogant? Would you be understanding of others or just lack empathy all together? It’s a little of a double ended sword part of me feels un approval is good if you can re direct that negative thought to be able to change It in to positive one, but regardless…

We need to stop asking 'What do you think?' and start asking, ' What do I think?'

Give yourself your approval.

Tell yourself that your new dress is banging

Congratulate yourself on your new job

Take a moment to bask in your own glory from try you just scored

The next time someone compliments you or says you are doing well I simply want you to reply with

'Thank You', own your moment.

Thanks for Reading

Bee 😊